Day Four

Everybody knows Jones Soda is the authority for ridiculously flavored, ridiculously-priced holiday theme beverages. So, we’re going to talk about their little baby cans of syrupy death, right? Not today guys. We’ll get there, but first, I’d like to introduce you to some also-rans in the category. A couple of hot new upstarts trying to muscle their way into the seedy underbelly of the Halloween beverage market. Let’s talk Izze.

Izze is one of those high-end pops. In fact, they’re taking high end to a new, er, end and proclaiming themselves to be ‘pure fruit juice & sparkling water fortified with vitamins’. Like Pepsi Max, but more expensive, and you’ll probably see less fat women on motor scooters slamming these things as they trundle through Wal-Mart. I’m not sure where the discerning imbiber can find these regularly, but I once got one to wash down an eight dollar Chipotle with. So… ‘kind of pricey but worth it once in a while’ places, I’d venture.


Despite the appropriate colors, only one of these is Halloween flavored. We’ve got Halloween Blackberry. Blackberry even has their little schpiel seasoned up, with ‘We stay true to the fruit’ replaced with ‘nothing scary inside’, and suggesting we ‘dress up [our] ghoulish get together’ with the limited edition drink. I suppose once November hits, Halloween Blackberry will be gone for good. Sure, there’s probably ‘Sparkling Blackberry’ but screw that. And then there’s Sparkling Clementine. So, why is only one of them Halloweened up? It’s like they paired the plain one up with the Halloween one just so people would see black and orange and fall for their stupid… oh. Ohhhhhhh. Gotcha. Fool me once, Target…

Our special guest today is my Beijing Olympics mascot glass. Round of applause for Yingying, folks. She’s orange, so that means automatic draft into helping out the countdown. Just don’t look at her for too long. Or you’ll never be able to figure out if she has squinty, ‘racist Warner Bros. cartoon era' eyes and giant black cheek-spots, or tiny little eyebrows and giant, soulless wide-set eyes. It might not seem like a big deal, but- oh God help me, I don’t know. I just. Can’t. Tell. I haven’t slept in weeks, and I’m scared. Oh God, I’m so scared she’s going to suck out my soul with those cheek-eyes then use my shriveled heart as a shuttlecock.

Maybe an offering of Izze will appease my new lord and master? If not, then all hope for humanity is lost. We welcome the end of days with Sparkling Clementine.


Okay, that is orange-y. Clementine-y? I haven’t done a recent orange vs. Clementine taste test, and my sense of taste may still be off a little from my cold, but it seems a little bit sour, which isn’t really a complaint. Seems a little bland though, like something’s missing. Maybe the word ‘Halloween’ in the drink’s name? It leaves a weird, sort-of non-taste aftertaste in your mouth, which is baffling me. And the color makes it look like some horrible fluorescent urine sample. All in all, this makes me think of a fizzy, tastier version of Sunny Delight. Which, if my repressed memories of it hold true, was basically an oddly thick mixture that tasted like orange juice mixed with orange drink mixed with rat poison. Despite my less than glowing-sounding review, I like it. But it’s one of those ‘I like this, but there’s other flavors I’d like better’ kind of likes.

C’mon Halloween Blackberry! I swear to God, if you’re purple…


Oh. You are. Sigh. Regardless of this minor let-down, this one is pretty damn good. Very fruity, just the right amount of tartness to it, and it smells a lot better than the Clementine one to boot. It’s like a good version of that sparkling grape juice you’d get as a kid during holidays.


And now for the ultimate test: Halloween Clemberry. Halloween Blackentine? No, better stick with Clemberry. Blackentine sounds too much like a monstrous villain out of a 70s blaxploitation film. Blackula vs. Blackentine. Clemberry just sounds silly too though. Oddly enough, the color becomes an orange-purple. My bets were on brown, not this charming, rosy hue. The flavors actually balance pretty well together, and the Blackberry cancels out the Clementine’s weird sort-of aftertaste.

Finally, on to the talent portion of our competition. How well do they work as mixers? Grabbing my nearest moderately priced vodka, I put them to the test. In a surprising turn of events, Clementine is my winner, despite Blackberry being the clear favorite in the regular comparison. Orange did always work better than berry in mixed drinks anyway. With a little vodka, it was like a fizzy Screwdriver. If I had some tequila and grenadine, then we’d be in business.

Final verdict? Like I figured earlier, Izze is definitely one of those ‘kind of pricey but worth it once in a while’ things. Do they have that spark to greet us again next October? Should Yingying allows us to survive that long as mindless husks of what we once were, I’d keep a deadened, cataract-coated eye out for Blackberry. Excuse me, Halloween Blackberry.