Day Three

Kids will buy any kind of shit you make flashy enough. You know who else will buy any kind of shit? People my age that remember things from their childhood that were cool. I know a lot of you in my age bracket went out and snapped up the re-released classic Transformers. You may stash Starscream away in the event you have a girl over, or ladies, you might pretend like that Strawberry Shortcake doll was left there by a kid you babysat as a favor to a friend, but I know the truth!

So in the spirit of seasonal items and things I remember having had as a kid, let’s talk My Little Pony. They’ve made a comeback as of late, I suppose, since the boxes cheerfully proclaim it to be their 25th anniversary. I suppose they were counting the down time too, because there was a stretch where my younger cousin had to be sated with my old ones from the basement. But they’re back and the same as ever, and if my cousin hadn’t outgrown these things finally, I’d be able to get her a brand-new one and finally win her back to my side after all those years of sneering derision over the ‘ones from the basement’. You couldn’t have any new ones because there weren’t any new ones. Jesus!

But there’s new ones now, so my misdirected rage can simmer on the back burner for a while now. But, sure, you can only churn out so many of these things before the bubbly surge of ‘Yay! Ponies!’ gives way to ‘meh’. So, you need a gimmick. Right? Right. San Diego Comic-Con has churned out a few superhero style ‘collectors’ edition’ ponies. Limited edition=must buy (and those SDCC ponies are cool looking). And what else is limited edition? Oh, just a few things that might only be around for one season…

And as we all figured out by now, that means Halloween My Little Pony. They’ve been around a few years, but not having a blog, I refrained from making such a purchase. But now I have a way to justify buying something I outgrew fifteen years ago because dammit, I have a reader base to keep informed (at least I like to pretend I do). Every year they churn out two ponies. And it seems like Hasbro is phoning it in these days.


This is our new buddy Starsong. She’s got wings. And a witch hat! I remember seeing these things in stores in previous years. I think there’s a witch one every year. The other pony was an orange one named ‘Scootaloo’, who was dressed up as a flower. A… oh, come on, that one’s not even an option for Halloween! Nobody dresses up as a flower by choice. You dress up as a flower when you’re the kid in the third grade play that can’t remember any lines or steps, so they slap a few petals on you and hope you just stand quietly at the back of the stage.

Needless to say, Scootaloo got a pass.


I see. She only dresses up as a witch. Must be a junior high Wiccan (*ba-dum-chssh*!). And by ‘friends’ you can bet your ass it’d be a group of ponies trick-or-treating in their appropriate costumes, with one dressed up as a flower lagging after them, her whines of ‘guuuuuuuys, come on! Wait up!’ going staunchly ignored.


With the hat removed, nothing really signifies her as in sync with the Halloween season. Purple? A lot of those ponies are purple. Pink and purple hair? Nuh-uh. Star tattoo on her ass? Paired with the hair, she’s gotta be emo. Probably only wearing that hat to be ‘ironic’ before going to listen to Modest Mouse. She didn’t even come with a comb. These fuckers always come with combs.

So, she’s a total lo… but wait! That hairline. That’s… My God, it’s a perfect, Bela- Lugosi-as-Dracula widow’s peak! That last paragraph? Strike it from the record. She still could have used a bat or pumpkin tattoo on her ass though. C’mon, pretty please?

And she has a little mark on one hoof of a hanger. According to the box, this means that her accessory is interchangeable with those of other ‘limited edition dress-up ponies’. Their tiny, malformed ears, and the fact that every other one of these ponies I’ve seen has had some sort of head piece on, can only mean that there’s some group of ponies with a ‘tiny ear gene’ that are so insecure about it, they go out, get matching hanger tattoos, and wear sassy hats, acting like it’s totally their way of being unique, and not just because they’re ashamed of people staring at their ears.

As luck, and by ‘luck’, I mean an Easter care pack from my Mom, would have it, I happen to have Starsong’s Easter-obsessed fellow member of the Dress-Up Gang. But if the Witch hat wasn’t exactly Halloween enough, what good will bunny ears be?


Holy shit. This is some My Little Pony meets Donnie Darko shit right here. Or, y’know, Starsong as the Bunny Man of Fairfax urban legend, because under that benign, unflinching smile, she’s fucking insane.

You know, I think all Halloween versions of regular kids’ toys need to have out-of-place accessories. A Halloween pony with a witch hat? Well, that’s okay, I guess. A Halloween pony with bunny ears and no explanation as to why? Pure terror.

I don’t know what’s coming up tomorrow. I’ll have time to write something though.